meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
