the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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