I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
