Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
