I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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