Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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