All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
