my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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