Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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