my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
