she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
