it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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