At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
vagina is talking i cant
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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