Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
