I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
