My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
