I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
