MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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