Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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