smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
