i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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