Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
