You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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