a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
