Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
