she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
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he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
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I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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