you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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