I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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