Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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