he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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