At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
