peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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