tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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