I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
