Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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