hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
