he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
