It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
