did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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