You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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