all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
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...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?