I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.