I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me