11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back