yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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