Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
