we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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