Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
