Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.