god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
