dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
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And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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