So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
