I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
