My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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