lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
