Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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