my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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