I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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