My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
