A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
